Force of habit or forced habit.
Feeling miserable, grumpy, negative and generally bitchy, was it a habit I learned? Or was it a habit I forced out of necessity? It’s been a month since I left my soul sucking job of two years and there have been some interesting developments in my life and me. Such as, I don’t eat as much, my obsession with food has pretty much evaporated, needless to say I have lost a bit of weight with out any effort. The chocolate addiction is still there, I’m ok with that, and I find myself craving it less then I did before. I don’t lose myself in front of the idiot box any more, I find I have the energy to read at night before bed. Nor do I find myself clenching or grinding my teeth during the day, my stomach issues have resolved themselfs as well as chronic headaches are gone. I’m finding energy to go out for a walk after dinner, and finding interest in taking better care of myself, like taking the time to notice when I’m tired.
Is this a conwinkydink? I leave my job and I start feeling better physically and mentally?
I think not.
What is interesting is the way my thinking is changing or evolving. Let me give a bit of background, like most of us, I hated my job, my fellow employees hated their job, and they because they hated their job, they where miserable. As you all know this all makes for a hostile and miserable work environment, and we all find ways to cope with it in order to survive. Unfortunately the survival skills we learn can have consequences. Such as bulling in the workplace, harassment, gossiping, you name it, if a new worker enters the scene happy, the old war horses have to crush and bring them down.
We’ve all have witnessed or experienced it at some point.
Well I have and experienced it. Now that I’m out of it, it’s interesting, when ever I feel happy I have a reflex to suppress that happiness. Negative, judgemental and disapproving thoughts flood my head, thoughts of resentment or mistrust for what ever it is I feel good about. It’s sad I learned not to feel or express happiness in order to survive my workplace.
Well I’m unlearning to be miserable and remembering how to be happy for me and others, having negative emotions is a fact of life, but they don’t have to rule life. Nor do I want to work in a place where it’s so damaging to my health on many levels.
And I ask “where is it written being an adult means being miserable.” It’s such bullshit. I took a 50 percent pay cut when I left my job. My economic life is harder, but I am happier, which in turn is refueling me for the energy I need to live life.
When I walked out on my job I wasn’t sure if I had made the right choice, at this point I have no doubt in my mind I did.